Today

This morning I woke up and did some shopping with Kenz. We got some supplies for tonights Annual Slumber Party! Kenzie will have about 10 girls over to spend the night! So much fun!! I really really love being able to do this for her. Slumber parties are not every parent's dream but for me it really is a joy creating event! I love watching the girls grow year by year. Plus I believe that it is very important top stay involved with your kids and their friends. The girls are getting so big and I know they need a positive influence and a guardian who can tell them like it is without sounding mean. I manage people that way and I can do kids that way too! So I went to the store and bought 3 types of sereal and milk, snacks and decorations too! We went with a blue and white theme with snowman. It is very very cute. I will post pics later maybe. Well I have to go another girl just showed up!

Peace out!

Money

Money... It is such a great and wonderful thing. Except if you dont have any. Then it seems like a torment! Not that I dont have any. But really with student loans, car loans, finishing up paying off those pesky credit cards and financing a wedding I dont have any. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year and yet I find it slipping past me this year. Yes there are still several events that I will take part in but that doesnt make Luca happy and isnt that my number one responsibility aside from making Kenz happy? I thought it was, but last night I came home from shopping and mind you I was grocery shopping not out on a spree at the mall! Luca just ripped my head off about buying Smuckers uncrustables and grapes! Yes because there were grapes in the fridge that didnt get eaten. Sad I know, but still. These will get eaten. I made sure to put some in Kenzies lunch this morning. Actually my momma did, she washed a handful and we sent her to school with a healthy lunch! I felt good but am still irked by his comments from last night. I dont know what to do. I feel as though my excitement for marriage was blinding me and now the reality of marriage is seeping into view. I had a bad bout of spending overload but have learned my lesson and now want to be financially smart! He does not help though with his stupid sarcastic comments. He angers me and makes me want to go out and spend all my money! Now I know that wouldnt hurt him and would only hurt me. So I wont. But we dont talk about it, we just argue about it and then the silence starts. Thankfully I live at home so I can talk to my mom, but the evening was ruined!!! As it usually is when we spend it together. Oh wow... do you hear this... sounds like a FABULOUS start to a marriage huh? Is it crazy to get married? Shoudl we call the whole thing off? I cant be fathered by my husband and as long as I have to drive 30 minutes to and from work 5 days a week I will spend my money how and when I please. If that is a problem then I can quit. I will stay home and wont need new clothes or shoes. I would have time to plant a garden and make things from scratch. That would save money. If that is how he wants it then we can definitely make that happen. Lets see what he says about that!

That's IT!

Ok so full circle. Do we know what that means? I mean really? What does it all mean? If we really mean to terminate the relationship then we do that and it shouldn't bother us any longer because we made a choice, right? We made a choice to end something. Then we can't be upset about it. I for one am missing several of my "terminated" relationships. There is one friend who hasnt been around in a few years. I have since seen her and her children. This is emotional for me and I have really been contemplating how to find her. I have emailed a relative to see if there is any way of contacting her or at least the kids. I would so very much like to see them and spend some time with them this holiday season. If what they went through when I was around is anything like their life now then I would like to see them even if just for a brief time this holiday season. I can't force that though. I don't know exactly why the friendship ended. All I know is the rumors that ensued after the relationship had ended. The stories of unfaithfulness, addiction and irresponsibility.

On another note, things with my current circle are going very well. We are still in the midst of planning my wedding. While I know that I have vented here all in all things ALWAYS work out with us and that is why they are my bridesmaids. Not because they are the cutest girls I know - although they are!- but because they are there for me. Sure we have had our rollercoasters. But I havent yet met a rollercoaster that scared me bad enough to not go again! Tower of Terror? Uh yeah... Doesnt' sound fun but WHEW! once you are on it scares you to death but makes you smile ear to ear! It's so worth it! Yeah my friendships are kind of like that.

I watched hours of home movies last night. We do it every year to remember our Sabrina. Watching her giggle. Watching her wiggle. Watching her ... just seeing her. It helps. It makes us feel good. We know we can't bring her back, but we can stay close to her since we will see her again. That is one of the greatest benefits of living the life of a Christian woman. I know, without a doubt in my mind that once my time on this planet is up and God calls me home that I will see those who went there before me. I know that I belong to God and he has every moment of my life planned out and has a plan for me far beyond my comprehension. It sucks that we have to feel the feelings we do when our loved ones go on without us to Heaven, but we do not weep as those that have no hope. See this scripture for further reference...

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (New International Version)
The Coming of the Lord "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words. "


Let me wrap up tonight by saying that I LOVE my life. I am so thankful and I feel so blessed. I have a warm cozy shelter, a family so full of love, a man who genuinely loves me, a healthy daughter, and a God who sees me through His perfect eyes. This Thanksgiving I want to remember all of that. Those 5 gifts that no amount of money could buy and no Black Friday sale could offer. It has been relatively easy to ignore the ads this year. With the bigger picture of our wedding and our future home in mind there are many things that we want and a few games or toys can't bring the happiness as these other things will for years to come. I am excited to get to spend some time with family, especially my sissy who is flying in with her husband from Florida for the Christmas holiday. YAY! That's a present in itself!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Shanna~

letter to my bridal party -

Isn't it the most adorable thing you have ever seen!
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=16695591
too bad its such a ridiculous price but she makes them herself so I guess she has to make money off of them,,,

anyways I wanted to say hello -
Thank you so much for all you have done so far for the wedding. We are coming into the home stretch and things will be winding down, and winding up, all at the same time. I know from my experience as a bridesmaid that it seems like there is so much to do but really I think we are doing just fine. The Disneyland trip is going to be wonderful. I know a few more of you paid the deposit and I think we are waiting on just a couple more at this point. So thank you for taking care of this. Thanks.

The bridal shower, while we are still working on a location is going to be so much fun. It should be relaxing for all of you too. Even though it is my shower I want each and every one of you to be able to enjoy the day of happiness with me. That is why I have chosen you to be a bridesmaid. It is so much more than just standing beside me as I marry Luca. It is a symbol of the relationship that I share with you. It is a very special time that I get to share with only you. Yes the wedding is only one day... BUT it is one of the most important and significant days of my entire life. I have waited patiently (and sometimes not so patiently LOL) for this day. I am so thankful and I feel so blessed that our friendship gets to embrace this time of my life.

I hope that I have resisted the urge to BRIDEZILLA out. I know that there are certain things that I may just want my own way and I guess that is what happens when it is "your wedding" I know that those who have been married remember what that is like. I know this has been a wedding in the works for some time and I appreciate you all taking so much time to dedicate yourselves to me. I will never forget that.

I wish that Sabrina was here and I know she will be in spirit right here beside us with her black gown on too. Smiling and giggling. With her hands up to her cheeks wiggling her little hips all over the place. And Troyce too. with her cackling lauhgter. I know she would have enjoyed watching these events unfold. Joey would have been so shy walking into that church, but would have stood there with Luca looking handsome and then would have busted a move on the dancefloor (only after several cocktails) . They will surely be missed.

Thank you for letting me vent about that. I am emo. I know. Shanna through and through. Thank you for loving me this way. Thank you for being YOU!
Sincerely,
~Shanna


Bride ~ to ~ be
February 28, 2009

Dear friend

What is happening? Did I do something to you? Have I said something to hurt you? I am so confused why you would treat me this way.

I am getting married. I am having a wedding. I have specifically chosen 6 of my best friends… my most special women that I know at this time in my life… to stand beside me in the church as I exchange vows with my best friend of 8 years whom I am so in l love with. To help me with planning, getting ready, preparing. This includes being happy, excited and supportive.

That being said please remember that I asked you to be a bridesmaid. I did not force or bribe you. I only wish that I could experience that with more happiness and excitement and less drama and confusion.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but my feelings are hurt - I need to open up about a few things.

It really doesn’t make me want to open up, so please don’t say “you never told me” because why would I want to share anything when all you (yes there are others too) are doing is pointing out the negative, different, or bad. It really hurts my feelings because I don’t feel that I do that to anyone. I try to be positive and optimistic and if I cant say anything nice then I try not to say anything at all.

At this point I don’t even know what I want!! I am so depressed about this whole thing I wish the wedding was either closer or farther away. So I could forget about it. I can’t believe that this is what I waited 8 years for? I cant believe that you went through these special days and probably were met with some of the same drama. I am so so so so sorry if I ever contributed to any drama revolving around your sacred day.

I know its been said that the marriage starts the day after the wedding but to me the marriage has already started. The wedding day is a sacred and celebratory day and it is to be held in respect and reverence of the holiness of marriage. The party, every part of it has a meaning and will be significant to us. I cant believe that such petty things are causing rifts between my best friends and I. I refuse to let it anymore. This is my wedding and I want it to be as drama free as possible so if you cant say something nice please don’t say anything at all.

My Friends...

I am concerned about us. I know I am not perfect. I know I may say things that hurt you and if that happens I want you to tell me so that I can make it right and apologize. When you say that I need to grow up it hurts me and angers me. It hurts me because I am a 30 year old woman with an 11 year old little girl on the brink of marriage. I am grown up. Sure I live in a dwelling with my mother but does that make me a child? No. Does it give you the right to judge me? As a friend? No. All the situation does is it makes me close to my family which I am. My aunts. parents, cousins etc, have all lived at home and some still do. I don't judge them for it... and on the other hand I don't judge people who leave the nest early in life. Each and every person has their own dreams. I would not have been able to do what I have done... as a single mother without the unconditional love and support from my entire village of a family! I feel so lucky and blessed to have what I have. It really bothers me that you continually put me down for it. Saying I need to grow up is rude and unnecessary. I need friends. I am trying to be excited about this huge journey we are going through and I feel like the people that are supposed to be encouraging me and being excited with me are just constantly draggin' me down, saying negative things or dissing my way. It really makes me not even want to tell you anything. Don't get mad if you haven't heard something yet... its probably because I don't want to tell you for fear of what you will respond to it with. Should I tell you? I think not! You would most likely say that I am too sensitive or overreacting. So I will stay quiet... I will hold this in and BLOG IT UP! I guess that is all I can do for now. I can not wait for that day in February when I walk down the isle to marry the man of my dreams, the best friend I have ever had and continue our fairy tale passionate love into a marriage! Its going to be the BEST DAY EVER

Geez... I was just joking! "???????

I was joking!’ is never a good defense, as intent is immaterial when it comes to wounded feelings.
I love this statement from an article by Margaret Berry at http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/opinions/dont_be_rude_part_ii_relationships.php


Perhaps I am too sensitive but that is me. For better or worse. Thought should always precede speech.